When you get married, let’s make sure that you start off in a clear space. You likely have known each other for some time, you may live together already and you have now decided to make a lasting commitment to each other. What’s going to make your marriage a success?
Congratulations. It’s a wonderful moment.
And at the same time a great occasion to start fresh. After all, you want something more, something new, in your relationship. Whatever has accumulated in your relationship until now, this would be a fantastic time to take stock.
Do you have any expectations that you haven’t spoken yet? Are there any daily irritations that you’ve learned to put up with?
Or are there some larger questions that you’ve been meaning to address, but you just can’t find the right way to do it? Is there a worry in you and wouldn’t you feel so much better if you could speak about this with your partner?
It used to be the minister
When everybody went to church, or synagogue, or the mosque, there was a time when the minister, rabbi, imam, would come and give pre-marital advice.
Nowadays, that doesn’t happen so automatically anymore.
Nor do you need much advice about relationships in the way that our grandparents may have. (I can’t be sure, but I believe my grandparents were virgins when they got married, at least my grandmother.)
It doesn’t need to be the reason, but perhaps you’re getting married because you want to have children. That’s going to change the way in which you relate to your partner dramatically. Whether you want that change or not, it’s worth standing still for a moment and anticipate together what it will mean. You will likely have less time together and all the fun things you were used to doing, well, not so much anymore.
How are you going to be together?
And then there is parenting itself.
How are you thinking about parenting? What expectations do you have about each other’s involvement? How do you think about sleep, discipline, play, boundaries, medical decisions, potty training, traveling and all the other things that will all of a sudden become part of your lives.
We often begin parenting in the way that we have received it from our parents. And even if we decide that we want to do it differently, when times get rough we may fall back on our familiar patterns. We turn into our parents more often than we like.
Do you know each other’s parents? Do you know what parenting style you can expect from each other?
That’s why mediation can be a great option for you. It’s not that you need advice so much as support to begin the perhaps difficult conversations that you want to have. You want to make sure that your marriage starts well. And you want to clear the field of your relationship of any debris that might have accumulated.
That’s a great idea.
A mediation offers exactly such a space. You can bring any topic. You and your partner can discuss openly and with support whatever source of conflict you may want to address. This is the time to do it, to clean the slate.
All these things that are on your mind, all these things that you’re contemplating right now, let’s have them out in the open. Let’s not have any unnecessary surprises?
Talk it through, if need be, with someone’s help.
Call me, or write me. Let’s see if I can help you.